When People Do Monologues

Posted: January 22, 2010 in Humor and Jokes, Showbiz and Celebrities
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I am a fan of several standup comic characters and hosts. They will either help you out relieve that stress on you or worst add to your very stressful day. Below are some of the excerpts that will makes you smile at least for few seconds and then after that, back to the life’s reality.

Excerpts from Conan O’Brien’s January 21 monologue about leaving NBC:

Many of you have probably heard the news. NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp.

As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I’d like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley.

NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the Tonight Show. The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about:

-I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30.
-I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on.
-I’m not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself.
-The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher.
-Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women’s locker room at the NBC gym.
-Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings.
-Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter’s medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels.
-Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: “Inside the ‘Cock.”

Excerpts from Jay Leno’s January 21 monologue

Thank you for coming on such a miserable, rainy day. For those of you watching at home, to give you an idea what the weather is like here, it’s almost as gloomy outside NBC as it is inside NBC.

I don’t think people in L.A. have seen this much water since Octomom gave birth.

You know it hailed in Los Angeles. Hail! People here thought it was raining crack! They didn’t know what it is.

In fact, it has been so cold and rainy here in Los Angeles birds have stayed in their birdhouses all day just Tweeted each other. That’s how bad.

A number of states have set up programs for people to dispose of unused prescriptions. They’re trying to discourage people from flushing drugs down the toilet, because the drugs are turning up in drinking water. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the fact that drugs are ending up in our drinking water or that flushed toilets are ending up in our drinking water. I don’t know which one is more disgusting.

Starbucks announced this week that they are raising their prices. Who can blame them? Have you seen the cost of hot water these days? Come on.

A new weight loss study out this week shows that the more complex the diet plan the sooner people will go off it. Do you think that has anything to do with it? How complex the plan is? Think about it. The reason they came out with these complex plans is because people couldn’t follow the simple plan: “Stop Eating!”

Federal officials are now accusing two truck drivers of stealing over $200,000 worth of Red Bull energy drinks from a Naval facility in Tennessee. Police pulled them over doing 95 MPH and they were on foot.

Here is something historic. The Shady Lady brother in Nevada has the first legal male prostitute in America. Now ladies, if you are interested in going to the male prostitute, we have his prices for you. For $50 he will talk dirty to you. For $100 he will have sex with you… And for $200 he will listen to you! At least half the crowd liked it.

Twenty-eight years ago this week the Camcorder was invented and twenty-eight years ago today was the first guy who said, “Honey, of course I’m not going to show it to anybody. This is just for us.”

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